As I started the step work with my sponsor, I was very aware of the fact that I started procrastinating when the “Going Got Tough.” But because of my impatience, there was also the urge to rush through things just to say I had done them so I could move on to the next thing. This happened when I may not have been thorough in my thinking. I could “say” that I finished even though I honestly didn’t.
I have it. Perhaps you do too. That is why I need to work the Steps to have a method in dealing with those things that caused me to drink, drug or whatever I used in an unhealthy way to escape. Escape from myself. Escape from you. Now that there is no drinking or drugging, how do I live?
When I was 16, I started working. As soon as I could legally work, I worked. I met new friends from many surrounding towns. Now many of these people I participated with on a regional sports team and competed around the state and New England. Because of my athletic discipline, I was developing physically and had the curves to prove it. The sport I did was swimming. Swimming certainly allowed for less clothes than let’s say, basketball, but I failed to see that my swim suit showed a young woman and not the little girl I was still inside.
Because of swimming, school and my job, everything was changing for me rapidly. I developed some self esteem because I was a good swimmer, held records, friendly and popular. I developed discipline to go to practice, go to school, go to work. My friends and I were too busy to get into much trouble. You may call us Jocks and perhaps we were but I generally view it as we had different goals than other kids and didn’t have a lot of time to get into much trouble.
Boy Meets Girl
At my job, I met a boy from the next town that was 3 years older than I was. He was funny, he was in college and I liked him. He wasn’t particularly handsome but he lit up my world whenever I saw him at work. That was a new feeling for me. He had a car and a license. I had the same name of a girl that he used to go out with. They had broken up, he had told me the reasons but it seemed to me that he was on the “sad” end of the stick.
One day after swim practice he picked me up. We went for a ride out to an island and watched the sunset and talked. Knowing my father had a very strict curfew, we both knew the time we had. On that day, our friendship turned into a relationship. I went from being “one of the girls” to being “his girl.” He wasn’t overly possessive but we became a couple and I felt safe and loved and respected around the whole situation. We held hands and kissed occasionally.
As our relationship grew, the summer came to a close and he went back to college. We were still “an item.” I was a sophomore in High School and he was in a fraternity at a University 2 hours from where we lived. We only had house phones then, lots of long distance calls and letters. Fall meant an increase in swim practice. Because of my ability as a swimmer, I swam on the Girls Team, practiced with the Boys Team and also with the regional team. I swam and swam.
I qualified for the Thanksgiving Regional Meet to be held at the same University that my boyfriend attended. I was the leading backstroker for that Meet. Meanwhile, I was just excited to see my boyfriend, whom I had not seen since September. Regional events drag on for days. Lots of down time waiting for your turn. I snuck off to see my boyfriend, who’s fraternity house was just down over the hill from the pool. It was a Saturday night and when I went into the house in my High School Swimming Uniform everyone was happy to see me. The whole time I knew I was “sneaking around,” I knew I couldn’t stay long. Breaking rules wasn’t my normal way of operating so I was pretty nervous. They ushered me into the House and found my boyfriend. He along with many others in the house had been drinking. I had never seen him this way. And as a swimmer I was not supposed to be around alcohol, much less out of the pool. I would be ineligible to compete if anyone had found out.
After a big smelly hug and a “I am so happy to see you!! How did you get away?” My boyfriend and I left the main dining room and went to his room for a brief “one on one” visit. The minute I got into his room he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me against the back of the door hard and pressed himself and his lips against mine. I would rather not go into the details of what happened next. But let’s just say, I didn’t plan on losing my virginity that way. It was rough and painful. Even though I begged that he stopped, he didn’t.
He Passed Out
I put my bathing suit back on hoping that it wasn’t torn, the rest of my school uniform and ran the best I could, back to the pool crying. My legs were shaking and I was aching inside and out. I snuck back into the locker room hoping no one would notice that I had been gone. I had broken a lot of rules that would get me in serious trouble but all I could think about was my broken heart and lost virginity.